Badges!
by sa-mu-uu
Summary: Nobody cockblocks the law and goes free to tell the tale. Pre-established Cobymeppo smut-like stuff. Written for Day 18 of Share The Love Month 2015 on tumblr.


(The title is actually _Badges?!_ , but ff doesn't like question marks D8 Booo)

Ahahaha, I probably should have started this earlier than yesterday. Welp, here it is! Since the theme is old movies, I based it very verrrry loosely on that one super famous line from _The Treasure of the Sierra Madre_ that goes something like, "Badges?! We don't need no stinking badges!" I'm still trying to get acclimated to present-tense writing, but I think I did alright. Aside being dedicated to Share The Love Month, it's also this year's birthday present to myself, 'cause nothing can make me happier today than some steamy Cobymeppo stuff. :DD Thank you me, I love you. Now I'm off to eat cake and play video games. Hope you guys enjoy this!

* * *

"You should try to walk more quietly, Helmeppo," Coby whispers, peering behind him with a smile and placing a finger against his lips. The rusty cutlass that's little more than decoration bounces against his thigh with a muffled smack after every step; but other than the occasional squeaking slide of leather-clad legs brushing as they walk, Helmeppo is certain they're being plenty quiet enough.

"Don't worry, there's no way we'll get caught. It's fine." He's a few stairs behind the captain, keeping an eye out behind them to make sure nobody is following them, but it seems they'd managed to evade notice. Not that he's all that surprised; it's a late friday night, and every single person in the taproom below them is either too drunk or too absorbed in themselves to pay the two of them any mind. Their disguises might've aided their stealth attempt on top of that, but with the overwhelming clamour around them, he doubted they would garner any attention even if they'd been in their typical marine uniforms. "Let's just make this quick, alright?"

"Of course..." Coby nods once, restlessly adjusting the tattered red bandana around his neck as he pauses at the top step to allow Helmeppo to catch up. "We'll be in and out in no time. No problem."

In a rare turn of events, the mission is actually an incredibly simple one; infiltrate the local bandit crew's hideout while posing as their cohorts, locate their sales ledger, and get the names of the people who were buying their weapons. The higher-ups were convinced of there being some suspicious business happening on this island, and Coby had been quick to enlist them both in an investigation mission. No beating up criminals this time, just getting information and bringing it back. Helmeppo couldn't imagine an easier mission if he tried.

The only thing that could have made it simpler was if they'd been supplied with a map of the damn place. "Any idea where we should look for the ledger?"

Coby hums thoughtfully in response, lips pressing into a thin line. He takes a few tentative steps down the narrow, poorly-lit hallway that stretched out from the stairs, scanning doors until the approached one labelled as the _Business Chamber_. "How about this one?" he asks, already reaching for the doorknob without waiting for an answer.

Helmeppo follows behind him without complaint as they step into what appears to be some semblance of an office. Towers of boxes line the walls, and he has to step over a stack of brown-stained papers on the floor to get inside. Leave it to a bunch of bandits to be disorganized as hell. "It looks like the Straw Hats tore through this place or something," he grumbles, peering over his visor to examine the mess more closely. "This might take us longer than we thought."

"Now who's the one worrying?" Coby chuckles, giving Helmeppo's arm a reassuring squeeze. "It's not that bad. This is nothing we can't handle!"

"You're awfully enthusiastic about this." His tone is low and displeased, but he can't help mirroring the other man's happy expression a bit. Even while neck-deep in the enemy's filthy, orderless territory, his partner's signature zeal was hopelessly infectious.

Coby bites his lip, his smile still relentlessly peeking through despite his best efforts, and he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "It's just… exciting, don't you think? Working undercover like this, I mean."

"Enjoying being the bad boy for once, are you?" Helmeppo had done enough of that sort of thing for one lifetime, but he could understand the thrill for someone like Coby. And he'd be lying if he said he didn't think the other man's excitement was adorable.

A brief pause looms between them, while Coby searches Helmeppo's eyes with a mind-numbingly beautiful stare. His fingers on Helmeppo's arm twitch, and he slides them down to entangle their hands in such a way that seems almost instinctive. "You know what...? I am!" he replies with a exhilarated grin after a moment, suddenly looking for all the world like the reckless rebel he was supposed to be masquerading as. Helmeppo's heart sways in his chest at the sight. "I'll look for the ledger, so watch the door, okay?" His gentle grip quickly slips away—he really never does wait for an answer, does he?—and he rolls up the sleeves of his skin-tight shirt, sauntering over to the desk at the back of the room to promptly get to work searching.

 _Watch the door, huh...?_ Considering the door is closed and there's no sign of anyone else on the second floor of the building at all besides them, it isn't much of a task. Helmeppo's eyes only linger on the doorframe for a few seconds before his attention sways back to his partner.

"But these bandits sure do keep an awful lot of junk around. This room has so much stuff," Coby sighs, bending over to dig through one of the lower drawers protruding from the desk. "It's a pretty interesting sight, though, isn't it?"

 _Oh, something here is interesting, alright,_ Helmeppo nearly groans, cheeks flushing as red as the studded belt around his hips as he takes in the sight of the captain's leather-clad ass wiggling while Coby digs through what sounds like more stacks of paper. But he catches himself, clearing his throat none too quietly before walking over to the desk. "It's… kind of annoying, if you ask me," he replies, trying his damnedest to ignore the throbbing heat that now strained against his pants. Now was hardly the time for that sort of behavior. At least, that's what he repeats over and over in his head while watching the other man continue his search. "Are you certain you don't need my help? This could go faster if we work together." More than that, he desperately needs a distraction from the way Coby's hips roll with every fluid stretch and twist. Surely he's doing that on purpose; no one should be able to make searching desk drawers look so… sensual.

"No need! I think I found it," Coby says, pulling out a massive hardcover notebook and dropping it on top of the desk. The cover was etched to read _Transaction Ledger_.

"Seriously?" Helmeppo's eyes practically fall out of his head. There's no way they could have found it so quickly, right? Then again, this is his captain they're talking about. Winning against the odds is practically part of the man's daily ritual. Why is he even surprised?

"Oh, the bounty hunters are gonna have a field day with this…" Coby mutters under his breath with an amused giggle, cracking the book open to flip through pages upon pages of names and numbers. "Look at all this... There's even a list of transaction locations and dates. The Vice-Admiral was right, this book is a gold mine!"

Naturally, Coby is entirely correct; the ledger is even more significant than Helmeppo had hoped it would be. That meant they could leave immediately, and be entirely confident that their infiltration had been a perfectly successful endeavor. Yet, his feet remain rooted by the desk, unmoving as Coby stuffs the book into the bag they'd brought along and looks back up to him.

"Helmeppo...?" the man starts, setting the bag down on the floor and taking a step closer with a concerned expression. "What's wrong? Do you need something?"

No, nothing is wrong. Yes, he absolutely needs something. He needs to either bend Coby over the desk or get the hell out of there immediately, because standing still is almost killing him.

"I really want to kiss you," he admits, his mouth making the decision for him before his brain has the chance to weigh in.

Coby doesn't quite manage to choke back the startled noise that erupts from his throat at that, and a heavy blush to rival Helmeppo's tints his cheeks in seconds flat. He only seems to deliberate for a moment before speaking up. "You know, we made really good time…" he begins quietly, sliding over closely enough that their arms touch with every subtle movement. "I'm sure we have a few minutes to spare… if you want."

The part about having a few minutes is certainly debatable. And it isn't as if they can't simply leave and ravish each other elsewhere, but the prospect of waiting even a second longer is suddenly unthinkable to him. But they really should leave.

As if on cue, there's a loud clatter and an uproar of cheers downstairs. Whatever sort of party they're having down there, it's still going strong. Coby gives him a knowing look, eyes flickering down to Helmeppo's extremely apparent problem and back up as he fidgets a bit with the threadbare cloth tied around his wrist. "I mean, I p-pretty much always really want to kiss you too, so-... Oh."

The stuttering captain cuts himself off and swallows thickly as Helmeppo snakes an arm around his waist and backs him up against the desk before guiding him up onto it. He has to wrap one leg around the blond's to keep from falling backward, though his hands shoot out to catch himself anyway. Their mutual craving becomes painfully apparent at such close proximity, and Helmeppo pulls the other man closer to bask in the feeling of pressure against his body. "I guess a few minutes wouldn't hurt..."

He runs his free hand carefully over Coby's scar, across his bare forehead and through his bangs, then buries his fingers deep into the man's hair and tugs his head forward. The muffled whine that slips out against Helmeppo's lips as they meet sounds almost desperate, and something knots tightly in his chest at the realization that the other man could be so pleased by something so simple. Helmeppo would never get used to this feeling; he was sure of that.

A pair of hands lift from the desk to grip tightly at the shirt stretched over his chest, and Coby melts into him, lightly biting his lower lip in a way that he's coming to learn means that Coby wants him to use his hands more. He's more than eager to oblige, rubbing his thumbs in slow, small circles on Coby's hip bones briefly before sliding his hands up underneath the captain's tight shirt to worship the finely toned muscles underneath.

"Y-your hands are— _nngh_ —r-really great," Coby says against his lips with a quiet groan, idly lacing his fingers through Helmeppo's hair as his back arches into his touch.

"Mm… Keep talking," the blond mutters under a heavy breath, hands pausing to grip Coby's hips, steadying himself as he falters from the heat fogging his senses. He takes a moment to recover, inhaling deeply through his nose and taking in a wave of intoxicating musk that is unquestionably his partner's. With a steamy exhale, he drags his tongue down the captain's neck and instinctively sinks his teeth in. Coby clings to him with a throaty moan, shivering and grinding their hips together by reflex. Helmeppo's eyes widen for a moment, slightly taken aback by his own actions; he'd never tried doing that before. But the way Coby had responded couldn't be a bad thing, so he gives another tentative bite and sucks on the flesh between his teeth.

Coby cries out again in a mixture of bliss and frustration, digging his fingers into the other's shoulders as he buries his face in the curtain of blond hanging in front of him. "Helmeppo— _h-aaah_ —please, just-..."

"'Please' what?" he asks gently, both confused and worried about the way Coby was squirming in his arms. Shit, did he do something wrong?

The man doesn't respond with words. Instead, he guides one of Helmeppo's hands from its grip on his waist down past his belt to the rock-hard arousal straining against leather, biting his lip in such a way that looks downright erotic on him.

 _Oh_. "Sorry," Helmeppo breathes, relief flooding in as he registers that Coby only wanted him to touch him. He could do that. He could _really_ do that. To express exactly that, he traces a finger along the line of the zipper languidly, taking guilty pleasure in the way Coby's hips raise toward him at an achingly slow pace. He leans forward for a brief kiss, more to give reassurance than anything, then unbuckles the man's belt with little effort.

"No, w-wait, I want you to feel good too," Coby says when they part, slipping one finger underneath the waistline of Helmeppo's pants and giving a pointed tug. The borderline pout on his face was almost heartrending enough to finish Helmeppo off immediately. "Take them off, okay?"

"Yes, sir," he replies too quickly, pulling off his own belt in record time and discarding it onto the floor with a loud clatter. Their lips smash together again before he can recognize what's happening, and Coby's on his knees on top of the desk with his arms thrown around the blond's shoulders. The weight is tugging on Helmeppo's hair, but he can't bring himself to care because— _holy fuck_ —Coby's tongue is rubbing all over the backside of his teeth and under his tongue and breathing is suddenly a thing of the past.

With a bit of struggling, he manages to unzip his own pants without breaking the kiss, and when he opens his eyes, he comes to find that Coby had accomplished the same. Relief from the confines of his pants had never felt so euphoric, and he isn't sure if he hates or loves those leather pants for supplying that sensation.

But just as he settles in to go on the offensive once more, the rattle of a doorknob across the room sends a momentarily crippling rush of adrenaline through his veins. "...think it came from 'n here," a bumbling voice says, and the door nearly flies off its hinges as a gaggle of puzzled-looking bandits come tumbling through. Coby groans against his lips, this time in exasperation and he turns to side-eye their new company.

There's an awkward pause while the strangers try to compute the image in front of them, eyes shifting to the belt on the floor a few feet away, to each other, then back to the two by the desk.

"Ay, I've ne'er seen you two b'fore," one of them finally starts after what felt like forever, wobbling slightly as he points an accusatory finger in their direction. "Who th' hell are ya?!"

Before Helmeppo has the chance to formulate a clever response, Coby is pulling away from him, bending backward to pick up the bag from the floor. "We're marines," he states proudly despite how utterly disheveled he looks, procuring the ledger from his bag and holding it up for them to see. "And we'll be taking this."

So much for sticking undercover. Not that it matters at this point anyway.

"Marines?" the one closest to the door parrots, half hiccuping and half laughing as he elbows one of his buddies in the side. "Ain't ever seen a marine wit' their pants down b'fore."

"If y'er marines, then where're y'er badges?" another one of them laughs, clearly not taking the situation even remotely as seriously as they should be.

Badges? They aren't serious, are they?

"Would you believe me if I said you're under arrest?" he asks, folding his now Coby-less arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow.

This certainly sobers up the now-snarling group a little, and the captain turns back to him with a questioning look as well. Arresting them had never been part of the plan, but that's likely because there was no plan at all for being found out. However, even after being caught, Helmeppo can't believe their luck; there's virtually no possibility that the bandits before them are going to put up much of a fight. They're so drunk they can barely stand upright; the two of them would likely get in heaps of trouble if they didn't just take the morons in now. So, since their cover was blown, they'd need to take a more proactive approach. Helmeppo has never fought and arrested drunkards half naked before, but he figures there's a first time for everything.

"Well then. Maybe we should have been more quiet," Coby half-smiles, smoothly hopping off of the desk and taking a fighting stance.

"Doesn't matter. Let's make this quick," he replies, grabbing the cutlass from Coby's belt and throwing the bag with the ledger over his shoulder. "I'm not finished with you yet."

Coby flashes him a thousand-watt smile and disappears from his side, laying waste to the bandits without skipping a beat. He hardly leaves any for Helmeppo to take on, but he doesn't mind much; the view of the captain wreaking havoc with those tight pants hanging off of his hips was more than worth sitting on the sidelines.

Perhaps they should try getting caught more often.

* * *

Whoops, I developed a headcanon of Coby being really loud in bed. But as far as this fic is concerned, they probably haven't actually gone that far yet… Heh.

Thanks for reading!


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